The grocery store can be a very lonely place, especially on a Friday night. I went there last night and pushed my cart around, shopping only for myself, only for my wants, only for my list. Mothers with families, kids reaching for forbidden items, asking plaintively "Why!" when turned down. A pretty girl, college age, with a friend buying supplies for tomorrow night's party. A couple, holding hands urgently as if to not get lost in a crowd, yet walking down a deserted aisle of frozen food. And me.
I go through slowly, always afraid to make a decision. i wish there was someone there to ask so I won't get it wrong. I have to mathematically work out what sizes to get to get the most value. Doing division in the aisles...Richard Jeni always used to do a joke about hot dogs and hot dog buns coming in packages of different quantities. He would say, "I'm there- hot dogs in one hand, buns in the other, trying to figure out the
greatest common denominator!" But he was wrong, he was actually looking for the
least common multiple. I'm setting the record straight, here and now.
There is activity surrounding me all around, but I feel detached, isolated from it. The world spinning around me, but not affecting me at all. Like I am moving at a slower speed than everything else- all else it just a blur. I check out.
Work is the same way- activity happening around me, not involving me. Not because of me, just things happening to me. I feel like I am losing control over things, I feel as if I cannot even affect things anymore. It is all spinning out of control again, my whole life spinning out of control.
I have been trying to escape- into books, into television, anything. If I just keep plugging along things will get better...things will even out. Juts have to keep going, put one foot in front of the other and eventually I will reach the destination. But right now, it's a cold, lonely road.
