Scott's Soapbox

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Politics Meets March Madness

Admittedly, I'm not much for basketball. But I am much for snarky, insider, political humor. Hence, this intersection and resulting TNR bracket tips actually made me laugh out loud. CAUTION- one naughty word near bottom.


Having trouble making your final picks? Popular and political culture offers handy strategies for last-minute bracket-busting:

The George Costanza method: "If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right." Are you positive UNC can't win with freshmen? Pencil them into the Final Four. Think the Big-10 is underrated? Corpus Christi over Wisconsin. Know in your heart of hearts that Florida can't repeat? Winner!

The Daily Kos method: Whoever TNR picks, that's going to be wrong. Forever. They have North Carolina winning in the first round? You take Eastern Kentucky.

The Lewis Libby method: Isn't Marquette just a mid-major? Not sure. Was UCLA hot at the end? I don't recall. Was the ACC overrated? Please rephrase the question.

The Barack Obama method: Pick every team to win every game. When told you can't do that, smile and mention Jesus. Start with radical, out-of-the-box picks--Old Dominion, Southern Illinois, Nevada--but eventually realize your only hope is to accede to the dominant power structure. Place Florida, Ohio State, North Carolina, and Kansas in the Final Four. Now wasn't that easy?

The Joe Biden method: Announce that you plan to fill out a bracket. Announce again. Then once more. Make an allusion to how the guy filling out his bracket next to you isn't as dumb as people say. Remark on his gleaming smile. Note that he keeps his cubicle clean. Announce that you are planning to fill out a bracket.

The Jerry Falwell method: Holy Cross, Oral Roberts, and Gonzaga. They'll make a run--unless they disappear from the face of the Earth. But not UCLA. By God, don't you pick UCLA. They're less than three miles from West Hollywood.

The Netroots method: Find the little teams that those AP poll-driven, silk-suit-wearing, slick SI consultants don't give a damn about. Creighton just needs a little higher seed money. VCU is the only real basketball team in the tournament. The elites are afraid Long Beach State won't carry the CBS corporate line. You're the kingmaker, baby. And nothing will convince you otherwise.

The Bush Administration method: Don't ever change your picks. No matter how much your co-workers laugh at you. No matter when the entire starting five of your sleeper pick gets a case of lupus and falls spasming to the ground. You stay with Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Najaf State. You'll be right in the end. You're playing for history.

The Rahm Emanuel method: Don't you fucking tell me who to pick.

Finally, the meta-rule: When in doubt, always, always bet against Duke


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